As a parent, few things are more difficult than watching your child get bullied. You want to jump in and solve the problem for them, but you also don’t want to embarrass them – or make them feel disempowered, like you’re always going to rescue them when something goes wrong. And the reality is, you know that you won’t always be able to be there. Sometimes they need to know how to handle serious problems, like bullies, without your presence.

How exactly, though?

While I’m no expert, I have raised two kids of my own, and I’m no stranger to research. Bullying isn’t some new phenomenon – even though new technologies have allowed bullies to proliferate in different ways – so a lot has been written about how to deal with it.

Here are the strategies that I’ve found to be most effective as a non-expert but caring parent. They are the ones that spoke to me the most.

Always Be Ready to Listen

Experts will say things like, “Create a safe and judgment-free space for your child” and “Let them know that they can always come to you.”

While I agree with this advice, any parent knows that it’s one thing to tell your child “You can always talk to me, and I won’t judge you. And you won’t be in trouble.” Actually getting them to confide in you is an entirely different proposition. And a huge part of that equation is the personality variable: who your child is.

What I will say is that, on those occasions when they do come to you, it’s vital that you listen actively, validate their feelings, and reassure them that you are there to support them. Even if you’re feeling emotionally reactive to the experiences they’re describing, try to remain something of a calm, stable presence for them. You can voice your own feelings in healthy ways “I don’t like hearing that they treated you this way.” Your response in these situations can go along way toward building bonds of trust with your child.

Build Up Your Child’s Self-Esteem

Make a big deal of their achievements. Offer praise just for trying. Remind them that you believe in their abilities. Celebrate their uniqueness.

Why?

Because these are the kinds of things that help build self-confidence and self-esteem. A confident child is less likely to become a target for bullies and is better equipped to stand up for themselves. They are also more likely to treat others with respect, since it’s common wisdom that a person who feels crummy about themselves will treat others in a crummy way.

Engage in Some Role-play

This solution may go some interesting directions. Acting out scenarios where you and your child role-play various bullying situations can help them to develop the skills to respond assertively. Note that I said “assertively” and not “aggressively.” This might mean standing up to the bully verbally, walking away, or seeking help from an authority figure. These scenarios should reinforce that it’s okay for them to say no and to assert their boundaries when necessary.

Now for the interesting part. All of that advice is probably okay for kids younger than 10. They might make it a little silly, but they’ll probably be engaged and actively learning. Once your kids hit middle school or above, though, this will likely all seem stupid and lame and embarrassing.

You can still make this work! Here’s my pro tip: play out the scenario in a game like D&D. The beauty of Dungeons & Dragons and similar live-action role-playing games (LARPs) is that the entire thing is already role-play. And it wouldn’t be that hard to tweak some existing stories to deal with bullying – or any other real-life issues your child might be facing. I think you can see what to do here. Maybe the dragon villain happens to bear the name of your kid’s bully, and the wizard with a dragon-stopping potion has the same name as their principal or favorite teacher. Or don’t even make it that obvious. Just set up some similar situations and see what your kid does – and insert your guidance where you can.

The best part is, because your kids are not themselves in the game, they won’t feel the same awkwardness or embarrassment that accompany playing out “real” scenarios with you in the living room with your family cat as the audience.

Teach Them to Be Empathetic

Invest in some psychological education around bullying. Explain that bullies often have their issues and insecurities, which may lead them to lash out at others. Encourage your child to be kind and compassionate, even toward those who may not treat them well. By promoting empathy, you empower your child to deal with bullies in a way that diffuses tension and reduces the likelihood of retaliation.

Take care to make clear that you are not taking the bully’s side when doing this, though. In your child’s eyes, it can sometimes be hard to distinguish between encouraging them to show compassion and making them feel blamed for the bully’s behavior. Make sure you frame it as a way to alter the bully’s behavior rather as an excuse for it.

Remind Them that It’s Okay to Ask for Help

One of the things that empowers bullies the most is silence. Kids are often afraid to speak up, because they don’t want the bullying to get worse – or they feel embarrassed to admit that there’s a problem.

Unfortunately, you can’t make your child talk to someone, but you can remind them that help is out there: teachers, school counselors, you, and other parents are all options. Even their friends can serve as a strong support system if they’re not quite ready to talk to adults.

Don’t Ignore Fitness and Self-Defense

The last thing you want is for your child to get into a physical fight with a bully. First – because no one wants to see any kid get hurt, and it has been shown again and again that violence does not solve violence. Second – because schools have to be strict these days, and a physical fight will almost always lead to serious trouble with the school for both aggressor and defender.

That being said, if your child is being harassed and bullied, you can enroll them in classes to learn self-defense techniques. Feeling strong and fit can help them to stay rooted in inner-confidence and security when these types of situations arise.

Bullies tend to target kids who are already feeling self-conscious and unsure of themselves, so they may not even go after your child if they present themselves as self-assured. Moreover, understanding how to defend themselves can actually bolster a kid’s ability to confidently walk away from a situation without fear of reprisal. You’ll even hear this message echoed in many martial arts disciplines – the point is not to use the skills whenever possible but to prevent the need to use them as much as possible.

Remember, the ultimate goal here is to secure your child’s wellbeing and happiness. You can support this by teaching them ways to navigate situations where someone is behaving badly toward them. And this is a lifelong lesson. Kids aren’t the only ones who have to deal with bullies. Adult bullies may not always threaten physical violence or steal things from us, but they can make our lives just as miserable. Learning how to deal with these types of situations at a young age can help your child get through school, tough workplaces, and beyond.